Not surprisingly, the events recently revealed have resulted in burned bridges. Also not surprisingly, such bridge-burning creates yet another domino effect in the lives of people around it and new revelations bring bitterness and heartbreak. While some are affected more deeply than others, the satellite players in the scenario now delicately choose with whom to ally for choosing sides is a gray area for once chosen, any future relationship with the enemy is fraught with the need to exercise caution in what to say or do—relating a conversation, choosing a vacation itinerary, social obligations, and more. Yesterday’s revelations brought forth new insight into other aspects of many lives touched by those directly involved. Has the surface merely been scratched?

A very, very long-ago friend (and crush) wrote, “Time is the icing that covers all wounds…it makes them sweet enough to ingest.” While I do believe this is true for the most part, are there wounds which never sweeten? Or does the bitterness simply fade enough to get through the agony of consumption?

I remain curious and even somewhat anxious about how this will continue to unfold and whether or not it will resolve itself in time.

It is interesting what prompts secrets to be revealed…a phone call with unrelated news prompts anticipated reconciliation but when shared forces the release of a long-kept secret so horrible that not only are hopes of reconciliation destroyed, a long-endured burden is released. The nature of a burden is that it must be someone’s, right? So when one person releases a burden, does not another take on the burden?

It was an epiphany of sorts, the events of today…the ripple effect caused by life events. All things are intertwined—we’ve heard this a million times: “What goes around comes around” is probably the most commonly spoken description of such a phenomenon. Can any circumstance excuse or justify that which is so obviously inexcusable or unjustifiable? Things said or done which cannot be unsaid or undone—for once they are ‘out there’ having been said or done there is no way to erase the saying or the doing—are locked away into a secret, yet festering place which influences the future from that instant forward not only for the one inflicting the burden, but also for the one burdened by the secret, and does that not domino-effect into the lives of everyone touched by both the burdener and the burdened? Who might these individuals be had this event not taken place so many years ago?

No wonder secret keepers choose to continue carrying their burdens because perhaps they know too well the repercussions of revealing the truth. Will the healing reveal provide benefit to more than just the sufferer? Or will the sufferer find relief at the expense of others? Should they? And should not they who inflicted the burden so long ago now be burdened? At what cost? At what price?

One thing is certain: It is grossly unfair that the secret keeper, when a victim, be so traumatized by the events while the perpetrators of the secret suffer nothing. The ripple effect of revealing the truth provides the victim with both release and suffering—suffering in knowing that by telling the truth, others discover that what was thought to be truth is, in fact, untruth. Release in knowing that the burden of the secret no longer is borne alone.

You did the right thing. We are here for you. We love you.

It is hard to believe that I have been on leave of absence for two weeks already. I felt certain that not needing to spend every waking hour somehow focused on schoolwork would leave a particular void in my day. It is interesting to learn that everyday activities which were pushed aside to accommodate schoolwork easily flowed back into my daily schedule much like water in a puddle. Now and then I realize that whatever it is I am doing at the moment is something that I have been unable to do because schoolwork, and I have to admit that there are a few things around the house that have been getting done more frequently because I am not bogged down by homework.

I have, of course, imposed my right to watch the big TV whenever I want to while my husband is at work—much to the disappointment and frustration of my teenager who wants to play video games 24/7 on it. “I’m right in the middle of a game” he will complain, or “I was going to play…” he will whine. He spends too much time on that PS3 anyway. Recently, we ordered and received a disc from NetFlix which allows us to use the PS3 as a medium to unlimited movie watching. My teenager hates that too…it impinges on his game-playing. If he would stop getting grounded due to misbehaving, he could go outside to play but … too bad, so sad…

I am going to make the most of being off of school because when I restart my program in January, I am going to have to double up on some of my classes in order to get back on track for my goal. Maybe I will send my academic counselor an email in a few days to ask what the best courses are for doubling up. I’d hate to take two difficult classes simultaneously. Hopefully, there are a few easier classes mixed in with the remaining upper-level (i.e. ‘difficult’) classes remaining in my program.

There are days when the brain cells for motor functions and the brain cells for thinking and the brain cells for autopilot all seem to be sitting in their respective corners of the brain and fail to come together in any way. The autopilot brain cells are the ones that make our bodies do the things necessary for survival…you know, breathe in and out, pump blood through our veins, process oxygen and carbon-dioxide, and metabolize fuel…things like that. These are the things taken for granted. Then, the motor-function brain cells are the ones that make it possible for us to move about, stand, sit, reach, push TV-remote-control buttons…things like that. The thinking brain cells are the ones that we use to reason, rationalize, and generally make sense of what the other brain cells are doing to our bodies.

Today, none of my brain cells were communicating with each other. Sure, I was breathing in and out and all, but I did literally nothing else all day. I never did get out of my jammies today. I got up out of bed (autopilot) and then sat down in front of the TV (autopilot) where I remained for the rest of the day.

Maybe times like this are the body’s way of forcing us to take a day off. Take a day off from everything…except breathing in and out, of course…

I think we all need these kinds of days now and then.

We give out full-size candy bars. Why not? We live in a community where people are afraid to let their children out alone, so the few kids we get are always accompanied by their parents and few parents these days take the time to take their kids trick-or-treating. So, we give out full-size candy bars. Thinking that 30 candy bars would never be enough, I bought two boxes. We had 60 full-size candy bars to give out. That way, I reasoned, we could be generous to the cute ones or the ones we knew well, or the ones who were just greedy (and they are!).

So, I put the candy in a bowl, lit some candles for ambience, turned the lights down, but not off so as to look somewhat inviting to the trick-or-treaters, and turned on the porch light. At the stroke of sunset, the doorbell rings...our first trick-or-treaters! The dog announced their arrival before the doorbell, of course, and he runs to his kennel. After a quick peek through the peep-hole, I opened the door to be nearly trampled by an adorable pirate who though he should just come in. Not so fast...little buckaroo...his older sister held him back but not before his hand landed in the bowl of candy. His eyes lit up by the sheer size of the candy bars in the bowl and he could not choose. His older sister grabbed one, his sister's friend grabbed one, and then another one for her other brother, she said twice, and the little pirate just stood there with his hand in the bowl, feeling the candy and looking at me like I am crazy to be offering him this ginormous goodie that surely his mother will never let him have. The greedy one grabbed it for him finally and they disappeared without so much as a thank you.

I closed the door and waited for the next one.

I now am sitting here with 56 full-size candy bars. I may as well book my dentist and my weight-loss program appointment now because there is no way these 56 bars will still be here in a week. Mark my words.

This is a common question. What did you say? What do you mean? What do you want for dinner? What movie is playing? What was in the mail today? From the mouth and mind of many, however, the question, "What" is short for "why are you looking at me light that?" Teenagers guilty of something use the word more often than anyone I know. Even when they are not guilty, they use the word when they do not want to respond right away. I can say loudly and clearly some instruction having to do with an activity my teenager prefers to avoid and he'll respond with, "What?" On the other hand, if I ask my teenager anything having to do with food or money, he has bionic hearing.

Today, after having to leave work yet again to collect my hard-of-hearing teenager from the vice principal's office because he was being unruly and disruptive in school resulting in a 2-day suspension, he had the nerve to ask me if he could go outside and ride around on his skateboard when we got home.

What?

He has plans tomorrow to spend Halloween at the local theme park with his friends.

What?

He needs money for bus fare.

What?

He wants to know what is for dinner.

What?

I wonder if he gets that. (he'd say, 'gets what?')

Sigh.

Mentors in the form of celebrities...athletes, actors, philanthropists, entrepreneurs, you name it...all push the 'stay in school' mantra. 'Reading is cool,' they advertise. Teachers starting as early as kindergarten and the first grade encourage reading and some even require it in order to pass the class. So why, then, is my 8th grader anti-reading? He hates it. He CAN read...I have seen him and heard him read aloud. He is capable of reading. He just hates to do so.

I read a news article earlier this week about the shocking statistic that 75% of today's youth are both (not either...BOTH) too obese and too under-educated to qualify for military service. This is just sad. Not that they cannot serve in the military, but simply that by their sedentary lifestyles and lack of discipline in school, these kids effectively eliminate yet another opportunity presented to them in their young lives.

My 8th grader aspires to join the Marine Corp someday. He seems to be under the impression that he does not need to graduate high school to do this, nor does he need to have good grades to become a professional hockey player or to open his own auto repair business. My 8th grader has zero aspirations in the right now other than to go outside and play and when he cannot go outside to play, he wants to play video games or surf the internet.

Are the celebrity mentors wasting their famous breaths? Do these literacy campaigns even work? I really want to think so. But every day I see my 8th grader fail to grasp the reality of his 13-year-old lifestyle pitted against his aspirations, I fail to see the purpose of celebrity mentorship.  

My brother's 52nd birthday was today. Somewhat anticlimactic after yesterday's web conversation for Dad's 75th birthday. It must have been hard having a birthday next to another birthday in the family. My nieces share a birthday because they are twins, and their day is equally celebrated but on the same day. When a family member's birthday is the day before or the day after, however, I wonder if some of the enthusiasm wanes due to the back-to-back nature of the event.

A relatively uneventful day at work today, I thought I would come home and relax a bit...maybe even go shopping since there are a more than a few things on the list underneath a refrigerator magnet. I do not enjoy grocery shopping right after work because the store I typically shop at (the one closest to my house) is in a shopping center complex rift with restaurants, coffee shops, banks, and other mall-type businesses, in the midst of an industrial area and so right after work the seemingly entire community stops there for meals or socialization or simply a quick grocery store run...which, at that time of day is never quick.

So, while I stared at the shopping list stuck there on the refrigerator, on the upper right-hand corner of that same refrigerator, where we have a perpetual calendar that we write in our monthly appointments, are two tickets to the hockey game. Tonight's hockey game. YIKES!! I almost forgot! I have tickets to the game. I am so used to not being able to go or do anything in the evening that I completely forgot that I had tickets to the Sharks game.

I am outta here!!!

With his kids scattered across the country, one of my sisters had the idea of having a webcast video birthday conversation. What a great idea, we agreed; how shall we accomplish this? After a week of back and forthing on possible solutions, we finally settled on an audio conference call with web cam video broadcasts from four locations. After ironing out a few bugs and making sure everyone could be seen and heard, the birthday boy was escorted into the room and SURPRISE!!! Happy Birthday, Dad.

We sort of had to arrange each web-cam broadcast in "Brady Bunch" format on our screens...and, there is always a bit of a lag on the camera images. And, being that none of us have any experience with video production (well, I don't THINK any of us have any experience in that area), the lighting could have been better for some.

Overall, however, it was a wonderful few minutes of pre-arranged closeness although one cam was broadcasting from Kentucky, one from California, and one from Vashon Island in Washington (the other from my dad's house).

When being there in person is not possible, a web-cam conversation (Brady-Bunch style) has nothing on AT&T's slogan about being the next best thing to being there.

An official leave of absence was not my intention. Taking time off from school comes at an opportune time in my life, however, because the chaos that is my life seems to accelerate these days rather than settle down. Still, I found it odd that I had a weekend to myself.

Saturday I slept. Ok, I do this most Saturdays—even when I am NOT on a leave of absence from school—but this past Saturday, I slept in with no concern about needing to make sure I get up eventually to work on a paper or project due in 24-36 hours. I had no concern whether or not my teammates would eventually turn in their contribution which, by now, was already 24 hours overdue. I had no concern whether or not I would meet my participation requirement as long as I post two times today, tomorrow and Monday. This past Saturday, I slept until I could sleep no more. And, although the chaos in my life awaited my attention (there is still much to do around the house before the chaos will settle down), it had no priority over my sleep.

The chaos can wait.                   

Today after coming home from work, I sat down at my computer like always...checked my email, answered a few messages, read the top-news headlines, and poked into my networking sites to see what was up with whom, and then opened my webpage for the University of Phoenix. Except, today there is no class for me to check into. I looked at my previous class, the one that ended just yesterday, to see if anyone posted anything interesting -- you know, saying goodbye and such. There was nothing. I know my grades will not post for a few days yet.

So, what do I do now?

I suppose I should take a sort of inventory of what can be accomplished in the next few weeks since I will not have to worry about school for a while. I did manage to capture the online materials for my next class which now will begin on January 5th...I will, of course, tell myself for weeks that I should study for that class and be ready for it when it starts.

Today, however, I think I'll just go watch T.V. I haven't done that in a while. At least not on "the big" TV (my TV-watching has been restricted to my little TV hooked up to the DVR in my bedroom). The big-screen TV in the living room is HD...

I think it is my turn...

Last day of classes for a while. I mentioned yesterday that it feels weird to me that I have nothing to do today with regard to school. All of my assignments were due yesterday or before and I have no requirements today. I did fill out and submit another Learning Team evaluation form to let my instructor know (if he didn’t already) about the lack of teamwork I experienced this last week of class. He gave the team a perfect score…I will never know if that grade was mine alone or if he gave my undeserving team members the same grade. I can only rely on the assumption that he did the right thing after reading my post and reviewing the thread traffic in the team forum. Unfortunately, that assumption is very likely incorrect.

Normally, when I am just finishing up one class and I have spare time on my hands, I dig into materials for the next class. Normally, the next class starts right away…on the Tuesday following the last day of the previous class. Except…I don’t have a “next class” until January.

I wonder if this is what I will go through once I graduate next year with seemingly nothing to do at the end of the work day because I will no longer have school work demanding my attention. What will I do to occupy my time? Will I start to enjoy more than 4 hours of sleep every night? Will I finally be able to get those home projects begun…and, better yet, finished?

It does feel weird. But…not so weird that I will have any trouble whatsoever hitting my pillow a few hours earlier than normal tonight.

Final Exam Due today. It is weird to have a final assignment due two days before (well, ok, one day before) the end of class. I am used to having the final stuff due by midnight on the last day of class. Sort of like the entrance to a black hole…you get up to it and when you’re ready you toss your final work into the opening, knowing there is nothing beyond there. Once it is in there, that’s it. Goodbye. Done. In a week, or less the black hole will spit out results and perhaps a few days later your grades are posted.

In this class, however, I have another day to poke around in class. In fact...knowing my team project was going to take up my entire day on Saturday, I did my final earlier in the week. I turned it in on Friday even though it was not due until today. My final is done. My assignments are done. My team project is done. I have no participation requirement. So, what am I supposed to do tomorrow? Officially, there is one more day of class…but I have nothing to turn in. Nothing due from me. I am expecting nothing from my team or my teacher.

It’s just weird.

It was a disappointing group effort. What else is new? My team was most definitely no team in Week 5 and although one team member provided the best content in contribution, she did so late and then disappeared for the day. Granted, she informed the team at the last minute that she would be available only until 5:00 PM, it was too little information too late, and her absence in the final hours was noticeable. Another member barely provided anything in contribution or review. He admitted to having connection issues as he was traveling internationally, but I do not consider that an acceptable excuse for not participating in the team effort--especially in the final week on the final project. The worst contributor (if one can refer to her as that) submitted input which, as usual, was quite inferior and full of errors. She posted it at the last minute and also disappeared, never to return to learn where she needed to fix mistakes and help the team polish the effort into something worthy of turning in. The remaining team member had considerable trouble bringing his content together but was the only member of the team who acted like a team member and although was unable to provide any useful help as the piece was being finalized, he stuck around--on no sleep, in a time zone three hours ahead of university deadlines...but he stuck with me.

While I normally do not whine to my instructors about these things (most of the time, such effort or lack thereof eventually balances out over the course of the class), I was compelled to tell my teacher that I feel as though I did most of the work on Week 5's team project. In prior weeks, I repeatedly had to do significant work on two out of four team members’ efforts and the other two team members typically produces work that I consider to be equal to or close to my own. I think that under the circumstances, grading every team member equally on this project is unfair. I busted my behind on this effort because they slacked. We barely made it on time because I had the bulk of the work at the last minute. Early in the week, the team was notified that their input was due no later than midnight on Friday in order to complete the assignment by syllabus deadline of Saturday. Our team charter dictates our projects are completed 1 day early, so by charter, my team should have had their input posted to the team forum no later than midnight on Thursday. As it turned out, only two team members posted by Friday leaving the entire work to be compiled, reviewed, proofread, edited, reviewed again, tweaked, submitted to the CWE, tweaked again, and polished before turning it in that night.

Except for one person...my team disappeared, and yet another posted after-the-fact that she felt her portion was just fine and that she had no need to check back in. Again...this is not teamwork...this is 'do my part and walk away'...

Officially, I will be on a leave of absence from school effective with the conclusion of this class. I am torn between being anxious about delaying my program and being grateful for the needed break. Perhaps this comes at an opportune time?

I have always maintained that momentum is crucial for me to keep on track and reach my goal in this program. I sort of view it as having no time to waste, being the age that I am, and to wait any longer will minimize any opportunities for me to put my hard-earned degree to work in the barely-two-decades left of my career. At 50 years old, and presuming I am in a financial position to do so, I have only a scant 12-15 years left before retiring. If I lose momentum in my degree program now, I jeopardize that.

To me, making excuses and creating rationalizations about this forthcoming and unexpected break in my program is dangerous. If I can justify a break now...what is to prevent me from doing it again? And again? Sure...taking a break now will ease some pressure at home--pressure from too many pots on the fire, so to speak, and pressure from being so darned tired all of the time, and pressure from knowing the holidays fast approach and we are barely ready, and pressure from trying to get the house ready for company.

Not to mention getting a few things done around here for a change!

Yet delaying my schoolwork does bother me. I recently took a 4-week break and it was difficult to get back into the rhythm of schoolwork. I am concerned that taking a 9-week break will be too long. I guess time will tell.

I am looking forward to sleeping more though.