Sheena Payne
When I'm asked to talk about my life — the things I could've done better, the missed opportunities, the wasted time I sometimes dont know where to start. But as they say, everything looks different in hindsight. As time has gone by, maturity has allowed me the chance to put my life and my true priorities into perspective.
To date, after six long years, I am still pursuing my bachelor's degree. In 2002, I entered Florida State University as a perpetual runaway from my life in New York City. Two months before I arrived at FSU, I attempted suicide. In moving away I was (I thought) successfully escaping my past failures, an extremely chaotic family life, and an emotionally-draining relationship with my mother (also a single mom). Moving away seemed to provide some safe-harbor my own little promise of peace. But soon after I started school, I found it appealing to join a sorority. It was not an organization that focused heavily on partying. Rather, it demanded a heavy workload of its members. Ten to twenty girls held an average of two officer positions each semester (in order to efficiently run a chapter, plan events, and stay ahead of the competition).
And so, with my newfound sense of freedom and inclination to be an activity-junkie, I averaged three positions a semester. By my second year at FSU, I was already on academic probation because of my plight to find fulfillment in the positions I'd taken on within (and outside of) my sorority.
I was everybody's secretary, and publicity chair, historian, artist, and event planner. But I was still no one to myself. Everyone needed me for something, and that felt good. But I wasnt in touch with my own needs, with what was important for me.
Throughout all of the mess I was making of my college career, I suffered from a depression brought on by self-pity and feelings of helplessness to change my situation. I found myself suicidal again and ironically enough, in a relationship with a man who was also suicidal. The pressure to take care of him, and meet the expectations of all the people and organizations that were depending on me was overwhelming.
Day to day, I walked blindly. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I changed my major four times, and neither I nor my parents could understand what I was doing in college, other than investing in fruitless efforts and wasting their hard-earned money.
I had already been given a second chance by FSU's administration to get by without being dismissed from the university. But after two semesters, I again found myself in the hot seat. God saw it fit for me to meet an administrator within FSU's Withdrawal Services department. He listened to me with intent; he shared his own story of life's disappointments, and revealed that he was actually a reformed student kicked out of the same university that he now works for. He offered his guidance and encouragement. And in a year's time, I had gathered enough strength to deactivate from my sorority, resign from all the executive board positions that I had taken on, and focus solely on my schoolwork. I became a straight A student through the spring of 2008.
I met someone along the way that helped me make some hard decisions. He helped me focus on what was important. Settled into a relationship and handling my schoolwork, I was on my way to finally finishing up my degree.
That Valentine's Day, though, I received news that I was pregnant. I felt as if my whole world was literally going to fall apart. My parents were upset at me, my mother's side of the family harassed me constantly, and I struggled with extreme morning sickness for the greater part of that semester. I became engaged at the end of the semester, soon after my fiancé and I made plans to buy a house and get married, he decided that the pressures of having a family were too much for him to handle. We split up. I resigned from my job, and moved to Orlando.
That October, I had my daughter: Laila Kristin Francis. She is the one thing that I am sure of in my life the one thing that I have done right. Despite all the circumstances, I am truly grateful for her.
And so, all that brings me here: a single mom, still seeking her bachelor's degree.
About a year and a half ago, in a profound moment of peace, I decided to change my major to Religious Studies, in hopes that I could go into ministry part-time. But despite all our plans, only God knows where we will find our true purpose.
When I picked a Web Design How-To book in the beginning of this year, I had no idea of what was in store. I began teaching myself how to design Web sites, and it was like finding a love I never knew I had.
Since February, I have completed three sites, and I believe that this which I have stumbled upon is really where I am supposed to be In the long run, I would like to start my own design firm. Art has always been my natural talent; my first love. It has also been my most honest outlet for all that I have been through physically and emotionally in my life. It connects me to the real person inside free of the confusion, heartaches, disappointments, self-doubt, and anger that has overtaken me for so much of my life.
This is a huge step for me career-wise, and personally.
Relative to my career, getting a masters degree in Information Technology will provide a strong foundation for me as a professional Web designer. It will give me invaluable insight into design software, and allow me the opportunity to branch out into other aspects of computer-generated design. I can use this knowledge to become versed in the infrastructure of databases and information systems that many modern Web sites and e-commerce businesses use.
And apart from all the technical stuff, pursuing an Information Technology degree with American Intercontinental University will free me from the worry of pursuing my goals in the face of time poverty. The closest university to me is 45 minutes away. I can't afford to waste that amount of time (or money) commuting back and forth when I have a six-month-old at home who already has to share her time with my employer. And so, this novel idea of getting my master's degree online to help secure my and Lailas future is really a great fit, and a Godsend!
This online degree opens a door for me to:
(1) Be happy with the career path that I have chosen: Web and graphic design is something that is not only exciting to me, but it is an excellent use of the areas that I find myself to be most talented in.
(2) Be happy with the affect my career will have on the world around me: with a long background in non-profit organizations before my jobs in banking, I have become quite conscientious about how my professional efforts will affect the surrounding communities. I need to know that what I am doing is making a positive contribution to the world.
(3) Become self-employed and financially stable: I do not aspire to be a struggling single mom forever. And I also don't intend to depend on a future mate to secure my financial destiny. With that said, I need to make my own way in order to create a better life for my daughter.
(4) Work from home: My short-term goals include working from home, before the business can expand to a physical location. This is perfect for Laila's first couple of years, when spending a lot of time with her is vital to her development and security.
(5) Give my daughter hope: Hopefully, shell see that its possible to overcome lifes setbacks and disappointments, to truly find who you are, and still find the strength to make do something great with your life.
(6) Fulfilling my purpose: When I go to sleep at night, I'd like to know that I have done what I have been put on this earth to do. And with this opportunity taken hold of, I'll be well on my way. Ill be content in knowing that I am creating things of beauty, that I am finally sharing my talents with others, and most of all, that I am proud of what I do, because it will add to others lives in a world that often takes so much away.